Killing me softly
by Ashqua
Summary: Sydney has some problems and only one person can help her...her mother.
1. Default Chapter

Killing me softly  
  
Summary : Sydney has some problems....  
  
A/N : Okay this is my second fic, sorry if there's mistakes but i'm fluent in french.  
  
Chapter One  
  
They were called for a briefing in the middle of the night, they had to go on a mission for a couple of days or so, and it was only her and Vaughn. In the plane she had succeeded in avoiding to have to talk to him by listing to music or faking sleeping, but unfortunately during their mission they had to pretend to be newlyweds on their honeymoon which meant they had to share the same room if they didn't want to blow their cover. The thing was that this was going to be hell for her.  
  
"You can have the bed ,I'll sleep on the couch." she told him before he could argue ,she had already left the room and went to the balcony, where she stayed for almost half an hour. When she walked back into the room, she found him lying on the bed, thinking he was sleeping, so she didn't really pay attention to him and went directly to take her pain killers and her sleeping pills, but what she didn't know was that Vaughn was awake and looking at her. He didn't react when he saw her taking them, it's only when she took them with a bourbon.  
  
"You shouldn't do that, it's not a good thing to mix pills and alcohol."  
  
"Go back to sleep." she told him without looking at him as she finished her glass.  
  
"I'm serious, it's not good for your health and it can be dangerous."  
  
"Why do you even care? It's my problem, plus it's not your job anymore to look after me. And it never was." she added for herself as she poured another glass but Vaughn who was now up took the bottle away from her.  
  
"Maybe that's what you think but I don't want a partner with a hangover."  
  
"Don't worry, after that mission you will have another partner so give me that damnit bottle." she said almost shouting, as she began to be angry.  
  
But he didn't, so she took her purse and returned to the balcony to smoking.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked her as he followed her.  
  
"Are you ever going to leave me alone?"  
  
"I asked you a question so answer."  
  
"Then go to hell is my answer, it's not your business, remember you and I are only colleagues, nothing more."  
  
"And it's for that reason that you are drinking and taking pills or even smoking?"  
  
She didn't answer, she remained silent, looking at the view they had from where they were and playing with her cigarette.  
  
"Damnit Sydney, say something, or even yell if you want but at least answer me." Once again that didn't work, she just stood there looking at the lights of the city while Vaughn was watching her. Suddenly her cell began to ring, she took it and smiled when she saw the ID. It was Weiss.  
  
"Hey... I'm fine... No I'm not smoking, I swear... at the moment I'm on the balcony trying to decide if I should jump and if I did will I get killed or injured... No I'm only joking, I'm not planning on dying, at least not for the moment... Yeah I know, listen I'm really tired so I'm going to bed if you don't mind... Okay call you in the morning... Me too, bye." She hung up and threw her phone next to her purse. She continued to look at the city as she finished her cigarette, with Vaughn standing a few feets away from her, not ready to give up so easily.  
  
"Sydney please say something."  
  
"Go to sleep and leave me alone. I don't need or want your pity."  
  
"It's not pity, it's just that I'm worried for a friend."  
  
"We are not friends, I think that we never were."  
  
"How can you say that after all..."  
  
"I can say it like that and there was nothing, so leave me alone." she said as she passed in front of him. Vaughn was going to grab her arm but changed his mind and let her go.  
  
The next morning he woke up at seven, and was surprised to see that Syd was already up but wasn't in the room, so he took the advantage of her abscence to look at the pills she had taken yesterday, when he read the prescription he turned red and stormed out of the room.  
  
"Sydney did you read what's written on this bottle?"  
  
"Morning to you too, yes I'm fine and you..."  
  
"I don't have time for your little game, tell me."  
  
"Yeah, and I don't care, like you should."  
  
"But that's not the case, it says that you shouldn't mix different pills or drink them with alcohol, even more smoking. Are you aware that you are ..."  
  
"You what? Leave me alone, I didn't say that you could look at what my handbag contains. Don't ever do that, is it clear?"  
  
"No."  
  
"God, if you don't understand, then I'm going to repeat, leave me, alone and don't try to interfer in my business anymore."  
  
"No, I'm not going to do it, and you know why? Because when you take them it's like taking drugs. What are you thinking?"  
  
"Nothing, it's the thing, when I take them I have nothing on my mind and I think nothing, and certainly not of how screwed up my life is but also how much I hate you and despise you." She said letting him speechless, when she saw that he wasn't going to answer, she walked into the room and took two others pills, but apparently luck wasn't on her side because he followed her and threw them on the floor. Instead of yelling at him she went in the bathroom where she had another tube, she heard him trying to open the door, but it was locked.  
  
"Sydney open that door." he said angry.  
  
"Go to hell." she answer as angry as he was.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere until you open this damnit door."  
  
After rinsing her face with some water, she walked out of the bathroom but also from the room, without talking or looking at Vaughn she took her jacket and left the room, leaving Vaughn alone. He sat on the couch looking at the tubes and the bottle of alcohol for an hour, it's in that position that Sydney found him when she came back. She was more relaxed then she was earlier, but when she saw him she sighed and talked.  
  
"Ho god, I thought it was a bad dream, but apparently it wasn't."  
  
"Depends for who? Are you ready to have a conversation or are you under the effects of all the stuff you took?"  
  
"I don't need you to lecture me, I've enough with Weiss. And remember the first rule of a spy, never get involved with another agent, that's what I'm trying to do, if you haven't noticed it, contrary to you. So now I need to sleep a little before the mission, it will be bad to have another star on the wall or to bury me again."  
  
"You are begining to be cynical."  
  
"I'm not begining, I'm already. So now shut up or leave me alone, it's up to you. If you could do the two things it will be heaven but I wouldn't dare to dream of such a thing, so do either one at least, I have to rest before the mission."  
  
She didn't wait for his answer and moved to the bedroom, that normally Vaughn occupied. He looked at her then he sat, he has do something before it's too late.  
  
TBC...  
  
Please tell me what u think and if I should continue. ANd I wanted to say thank you to my beta. You are the best.  
  
This post has been edited by ashqua on Feb 26 2004, 01:55 PM 


	2. Chapter two

Thanks for the wonderful messages, I love you guys, please continue. And don't hate for what's going to happen to Syd in the next chapters, don't worry too much 'cause I'm a big fan of Sydney and Vaughn .  
  
Chapter two  
  
Fortunatly the mission took place without any problems, when they arrived in LA, Vaughn directly went to see Dixon.  
  
"Director Dixon I'd like to talk to you in private."  
  
"Yes, give me two minutes." He finished with the agent before heading towards his office, followed by Vaughn.  
  
"So, what do you want to tell me?"  
  
"I'm here to talk to you about one of our friends who's in troubles..."  
  
"Let me guess, this person is Sydney, am I right? If you also want to change , there's no need to ask she already did."  
  
"Ask for what?"  
  
"A new partner, and I'm going to give you the same answer I gave her, I know that you two have some.... some problems, but I can't do that .You are a great team so it'll remain like that."  
  
"She did that, I can't believe it, but that's not why I'm here."  
  
"Then why?" he asked.  
  
"Sydney is smoking..."  
  
"Yes but I don't see what the problem is ,a lot of people ..."  
  
"Let me finish , yes she smokes, but it's not only that." he paused and looked at his hand before looking at Dixon. "She's taking pain killers and sleeping pills with alcohol."  
  
"No, not Sydney you must be confusing her with someone else, she's not the type of woman to do that."  
  
"Dixon I know it's hard to believe but it's the case I saw her, just like I see you. You, we have to do something because if we don't..."  
  
"No, Sydney is strong she will never do something like that...."  
  
"Dixon, I know that it's unbelievable but it's the case, I don't know what to do, she needs someone who can help her, and it's not me."  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm going to call her and ask her to come in."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"There's no need, if that's true then I'm going to take care of it."  
  
Vaughn nodded and walked out feeling like burden had been taken from his shoulder, he headed towards his desk and started to work.  
  
Half an hour later he saw Sydney walking to Dixon's office.  
  
In the office  
  
"Dixon, you called for what?" she asked him tired.  
  
"I've heard something and I wanted to talk to you about it."  
  
"And it couldn't wait, because I'm really tired."  
  
"No, I'm going to ask you only one question and I want to hear the truth, okay?"  
  
"Yeah what is it?"  
  
"Are you taking something?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Do you take pills?"  
  
"...."  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"Yes pain killers and sleeping pills."  
  
"do you have a prescription for them?"  
  
"Of course, I may have lost two years of my life but I still have my intelligence, so you have nothing more to say, I'm going to go home."  
  
"Yes, just one last question."  
  
"What? Listen Dixon I don't really understand what you want to hear me say so tell it frankly okay?"  
  
"Do you take pills with alcohol?"  
  
"Yes and where's the problem Because for me there's none, the one who has a problem with it has to tell me, so next time Vaughn wants to  
  
complain about me tell him to come to see me first." "Understood."  
  
"So if we are finished here, I'd like to go home."  
  
"Yes." He said as she closed the door, she went to find Vaughn who was still working.  
  
"You, how do you dare to go and talk to Dixon about me?"  
  
"sydney, it's just that I'm worried for you."  
  
"Well there's no need to, stop playing the good friend because we are not, and if I'm right I've already told you that."  
  
"Maybe but we are still coworkers, and I don't want to die because your are not at your best."  
  
"Well, I'm doing a good job so everything is perfect, if you don't trust me it's not my problem you just have to stop working with me, which would be a good thing because you won't disturb me anymore." She didn't let him answer and walked out of the JTF.  
  
TBC... 


	3. Chapter three

Chapter three  
  
After her little chat with Dixon, Sydney went home and did the first thing that came to her mind, she poured out a drink then another. She drank three glasses before she stopped and lied on the couch, needing to escape from everything for the rest of the day but not only for the day she wanted to do it for a long moment, mainly since Kendall had told her where she was this two years. Sometimes she just wish to disappear from the face of the earth or to go somewhere else to built a new life with everything that goes with it. At least like that her life wouldn't be such a hell. No one would be there to remind her to her past, unfortunately as much as she wanted to do that, she knew that she couldn't, her friends if she had any and her family wouldn't let her do that. 'Look at how miserable I'm' she thought as she she was lying on a couch, in an appartement that was supposed to be hers, that was cold without warn just like her. Feeling the need to forget what kind of life she was living she got up from the couch and went to the bathroom where her pills were, she took two pills and returned in the living room hoping to have a quiet sleep without nightmares like usually. She was in a deep sleep when she heard someone calling her and shaking her, but Sydney didn't want to wake up not ready to confront the reality. She wanted to stay in her imaginary world where nothing could hurt her and where all the people she loved were happy and fine. But the person who was trying to wake her wasn't going to give up soon. Finally after twenty minutes she opened her eyes only to close them immediatly. She groaned and rolled to the other side of the couch.  
  
"Sydney, wake up." Weiss said.  
  
"Leave me alone, I want to sleep."  
  
"No you've been sleeping for three hours, it's time to open your beautiful eyes."  
  
"I don't want to, please just leave me alone." she muttered.  
  
"What's wrong with you today?"  
  
"Nothing, I'm just really tired."  
  
"Maybe but at least come to eat something with me, because I know that you haven't eaten all day."  
  
"I'm not hungry, now please go home." she said as she put one of the cushions on her head. Weiss sighed and went to the kitchen to prepare dinner because even if she had told him that she wasn't hungry she was going to eat something. She hasn't swallowed a thing for days, and she was really tired, but not only from the lack of sleep but also by all the things she had been through these last few weeks. He didn't exactly knew what happened to her and Vaughn in North Korea or between her and Kendall but he knew that it had hurt her, pretty bad. Indeed this is after his come back that she began to act oddly, mainly when she was around Vaughn. It was like she didn't knew what to say or what to do when she was in his presence, and Vaughn acting like a jerk didn't help. Weiss loved Sydney like the little sister he never had and that's for the reason that he was trying to do everything to help her, to protect her from getting hurt even if it meant yelling at his best friend for acting like an idiot. He was trying to make her happy or even laugh but it seemed impossible. But these last weeks she was feeling more and more depressed, and he could see it by the fact that suddenly she began to smoke, First it was only a cigarette then a pack per day, then she took pills, sleeping pills because of her sleep troubles and a few days later pain killers for her right side. But what worried him most was the fact that she was drinking more, a lot more then she used to and he couldn't do anything to help her because she was the great Sydney Bristow, the queen of compartalizing her feeelings and emotions, but one day everything was going to explode and he didn't want to witness it. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear Sydney when she walked in.  
  
"I told you that I didn't want to eat." she said as she took a beer.  
  
"Yes I know but you need to eat something, you haven't had a good meal for days and it's not good for your body."  
  
"Thanks doctor but I said no, so don't try to change my mind." she said a little angry.  
  
"Okay, but at least eat something."  
  
"Yes daddy." she said with a smile.  
  
"Okay but it's not with pills and alcohol that you will survive."  
  
TBC ....  
  
Please tell me if you love or hate it. 


	4. Chapter four

AN : I know this chapter is short but I didn't have time to write this week 'cause I had a lot of homeworks and tests. I'll try to post another chapter later but I'm not sure (I've an important test in french on thursday.) But if I have a lot of reviews then it's sure that I 'll post something this weeks .  
  
Chapter Four  
  
"Okay but it's not with pills and alcohol that you will survive."  
  
"For the moment it works so stop worrying for me. I'm a big girl who doesn't need to be chaperoned."  
  
"If you are then prove it by acting like an adult and stop acting like that."  
  
"God, don't you understand that I'm like that now? That the real Sydney Bristow that is standing in front of you?"  
  
"No it's not. The Sydney I knew wouldn't be doing what you're doing or acting like that.."  
  
"You're wrong, the former wouldn't because she had friends, a home, a job and someone who loved her but know I've nothing of that anymore, all my life is gone. I just have to wait for the death to come after me, it's all I want."  
  
"Don't talk like that." Weiss said.  
  
"Why ? It's the truth, you can accept it or deny it but it won't change my feelings."  
  
"Then let me help you, tell me how you're feeling, talk to me." he almost begged her.  
  
"I feel nothing, I have no feelings or emotions and I want to continue like that."  
  
"That's not a life."  
  
"Don't you get it ? That's the thing. Listen I know that you want to help but no one can do it, so save your force. You are only waisting your time with me, I'm not worth it."  
  
"Sydn..."  
  
"Stop, you should go home it's getting late and you must be tired. For the moment the last thing you need is to take care of a depressive friend who doesn't want to be saved from her little living hell. Goodnight see you tomorrow at the office." she said as she opened the door, when he passed in front of her, he hugged her before heading towards his home. His friend was depressed more than anything else and he couldn't do anything to help her.  
  
TBC  
  
So good? bad? 


	5. Chapter five

Well after a long wait I'm posting a new chapter. Please tell me if it's good or bad. And don't worry it's a SVR. 

Chapter five 

When they arrived at the hospital, a doctor immediately took Sydney in a room as Weiss was filling the papers. Once he was done he walked in the room where the doctor was cleaning her wound that was deep and still bleeding. There were several lits of glass in her hand, it took less than half an hour to remove them and another hour to do the stiches. When the doctor finished he asked Weiss to follow him in the hallway.

"What happened ?" he asked.

I don't know, I found her like that when I went to her home."

"Okay, then maybe you can tell me why we found drugs in her blood and why her breath test was positif?"

"I can't answer to these questions, all I can tell you is that she's depressed for weeks and she tried to forget her problems by drinking, taking pills or even by smoking."

"Is she seeing a doctor?"

"No, Sydney is not the kind of person that talks about her problems with someone."

"Then maybe she should. I know that your job can be stressfull and dangerous, this is why I'm putting her out of the field for at least three months. I'm going to call director Dixon and explain the situation to him and also to advise him to send her to see Dr Barnett. She really needs to confind in someone, that can help her.

"Yes."

He nodded and walked away leaving Weiss alone with his toughts, fortunately Jack was in India for a few days, but it only pushed the confrontation to another day. That night Sydney stayed at the hospital, her doctor wanted to be sure that everything was okay before releasing her the next morning.

Two days later she had to go at the JTF for her appointment with Dixon, and she was sure it wasn't for talking about the weather. When she walked in the bulding , all eyes were on her, they knew of her little visit to the hospital , but also of what they found in her blood. She wasn't the great Sydney Bristow anymore, she was just the agent who disappeared two years, and discovered that her boyfriend was married, her best friend dead and her father in custody, all the ingredients of a good soap opera. As she was heading toward Dixon's office she met Vaughn who tried to talk to her.

"Sydney, hi."

"Sorry but I have a meeting with Dixon."

"Okay, I just wanted to..."

"No listen for the moment I have nothing to tell you, or anything to do with you, so before you ask it, yes I'm not going on the field. So if you had to tell me something it better has to be related to work, so now excuse me but I'm late for my meeting."

"Okay." he said pained as he let her pass.

So? good or bad? 


	6. Chapter Six

Thank you for posting a review. Please R/R again.

**Chapter Six**  
  
She knocked on the door twice when Dixon's voice told her to come in, when she did she found him reading a file that he closed when he saw her.  
  
"You wanted to see me?" she asked him.  
  
"Yeah, take a seat. As you probably already know , I received a call from the hospital. I had an interesting conversation with the doctor who took care of you, he thinks that you should see Barnett because you need help."  
  
"Listen I don't need Barnett's help, no one can help me."  
  
"Sydney, this is not an advise, this is an order. I'm putting you out of the field for the moment."  
  
"Dixon, you can't do that."  
  
"I can and that's what I'm doing, you have an appointment with Barnett in fifteen minutes, after that I'm going to see what I can do based on her opinion."  
  
"And if I don't go to this appointment what will happen then?"  
  
"You will be suspended, and believe me that's the last thing I want to do."  
  
"Then why are you doing this, why are you putting me out of the field?"  
  
"First, you have a cast so the field is out of question and I don't want to send you on mission in your state."  
  
"But what state? I'm fine, I don't have problems. Don't you see it?"  
  
"Okay then tell me why you broke the mirror at your place , why are you drinking, why are you taking pills?"  
  
Sydney looked at him, silent.  
  
"We both know that you need help. I'm doing this for your own good and because I'm your friend."  
  
"If you were my friend you wouldn't be doing this, you would let me alone dealing with my problems instead of forcing me to see Barnett."  
  
"That's not true, a real friend wouldn't do such a thing. I don't know how I can help you if you don't tell me what's wrong, since Kendall's return you've been acting strangely ." he posed a minute, understanding something. " Does it have something to do with him?"  
  
"No, the problem doesn't come from him, but from me.  
  
"Okay." he said not convinced. "Your appointment is soon." he reminded her.  
  
"Well, I guess that I don't have any other options so it's better if I go now, it'll be a bad thing to be late on our first appointment."  
  
Without another word she got up and walked out of the office, heading to her appointment with Barnett, witch was the last thing she wanted to do, but unfortunately she didn't have the choice, she wanted to take down the Convenant and she wasn't going to do it by being out of the field or worst fired.  
  
TBC...

  


  
sara : Yes Vaughn and Lauren are married, but don't worry Syd and Vaughn will be together

Nathalie : It's just that for Sydney it's hard to accept something. Don't worry you'll learn later the reason. But if you have questions, then email me : ashquavaughnyahoo.fr I'll explain to you what I'm planing to do later. 


End file.
